


Tired

by mariadperiad20



Series: Foray into B99 [30]
Category: Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV)
Genre: Amy Santiago Loves Jake Peralta, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Hopeful Ending, Implied Suicide Attempt, Jake Peralta Loves Amy Santiago, Recovery, happyish ending, no one dies, non-graphic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-15
Updated: 2020-11-15
Packaged: 2021-03-09 20:40:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,594
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27512449
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mariadperiad20/pseuds/mariadperiad20
Summary: “I checked you out with orders, Jake. I can’t let you-”“-Near any sharp objects, yeah, I know. If I wanted to be nannied I’d have stayed at the fucking ward.”Amy looked hurt, and Jake hated himself for having said it. He’d been hurting her a lot, lately.Jake's depression is getting better. It is. It's just... hard when he sees Amy suffering because of it. And when he's always so fucking tired.Request fic!
Relationships: Jake Peralta/Amy Santiago
Series: Foray into B99 [30]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1320137
Comments: 10
Kudos: 126





	Tired

Jake glared into his cabinet. The warm light of their bathroom illuminated his scowl. It was the end of another day, stuck here instead of back at work. Sure, Amy got to go to work. but not him. As if being stuck at home, away from things to do, would make him magically better.

Amy wrapped her arms around him from behind, resting her chin on his shoulder, attempting to break him out of his mood. She had changed out of her police uniform, wearing her pajamas. At least she had a reason to be tired. Unlike him, he was just... always fucking tired.

“Are you on your tiptoes?” He asked, making eye contact with her through the mirror.

She rolled her eyes, but didn’t deny it.

“Admiring your own face?” She asked jokingly, “I know I enjoy looking at it.” She pressed a kiss to the back of his neck.

“No, that’s not it.” Jake gestured to his cabinet. His empty cabinet. “I forgot that I can’t shave anymore.”

Amy’s expression slowly turned sad. “Oh. Right, well, here. Let me take care of it.”

“I don’t want you to. I want to do it myself.” He argued petulantly. Knowing the answer by the look on her face, even as he said the words.

“I checked you out with orders, Jake. I can’t let you-”

“-Near any sharp objects, yeah, I know. If I wanted to be nannied I’d have stayed at the fucking ward.”

Amy looked hurt, and Jake hated himself for having said it. He’d been hurting her a lot, lately.

“Sorry,” He said after a beat, “That’s not- it’s been hard. Sorry.”

“It’s okay. I know.” Amy smiled back - it was much too forced, but he didn’t call her on it.

“I don’t think I need the shave, actually.” Jake said finally, rubbing at his stubble. “I kinda like the look. Haven’t gone full beard since prison.” He grinned at her in the mirror, trying to change her fake one into genuine. Even though his was even more fake than hers.

Amy frowned. She’d been frowning so much lately. Because of him. “You hated that beard. You shaved it off the minute you got out.”

“Well, sure,” Jake said, turning around to face her. “ _But_ we could make it fun.”

“Fun?” She asked hesitantly.

That was another thing. She seemed hesitant now. Afraid of what he would classify as ‘fun’. He would be offended by it, except that she had a fair point.

“We can roleplay. Me, the lumberjack who only wants to make a living, you, the environmental activist who wants to save the yellow-chested warbler.”

“Yellow-chested warblers are common.” Amy replied automatically, even as she seemed to relax - her false grin turning into something akin to a real smile. It was small, sure, but it was there.

Jake grinned broadly. “Great! Here, put on your big glasses, I’ll grab a flannel.”

He ducked out of the room, rummaging through his drawer to pull out one of his many flannels. He pulled it on - taking care not to tug on the bandages wrapped up his forearms - and turned around to face Amy.

“Ta-da!” He exclaimed, arms outstretched.

Amy had her oversized glasses from high school in place, but he could see something that looked like tears in her eyes.

“Ames, you okay?” He asked, grin fading as his arms fell to his sides.

“Hm? Oh, no, no, I’m good. Great.” She turned her head to the side, wiping at her face. “Just… give me a sec.”

“We don’t have to do this if you don’t want to.” Jake replied quickly, “It was just a stupid idea of mine.”

“No, no, I want to.” Amy said, “It’s… been a while since I’ve heard one of your stupid ideas. I’ve missed them.”

“Oh. Right.” He wasn’t sure what to say. “I guess… you may miss their absence pretty soon? Because I have a lot of very, objectively stupid ideas in my noggin. Just waiting to be dumped on you.”

“Sounds fun.”

“You say that now…” Jake began to joke, but Amy just looked at him sadly, and he trailed off. “Okay, yeah. It’ll be fun. Promise.”

Amy’s face was still pinched, but she looked a little more at ease than before.

Jake counted that as a win.

“So, environmental activist woman,” Jake put on a thick drawl, “Tell me - why should I care about the warblers?”

“They’re good for the ecosystem,” She said, before hesitating. “I’m… not really a bird watcher? Sorry, I’m sort of blanking.”

“That’s okay.” Jake shrugged, “We can just skip to the fun part.”

Amy rolled her eyes, taking off the glasses. “You’re so impatient.” She said, grabbing the sides of his flannel and tugging them down over his shoulders.

“Yeah, but you think it’s hot.” Jake replied cheekily.

“Yes. I do.” She pushed him into the bedroom wall, one hand on his shoulder and the other behind his head, kissing heavily.

Jake brought up his hands to cup Amy’s face, returning the kiss - he felt dispassionate, though, and after a moment Amy pulled back.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah, sorry, I just… suddenly I got really tired.” Jake frowned - before quickly turning it back into a smile - “I don’t know why, ha.”

They both knew why.

“Okay. Do you want to cuddle instead?” Amy offered. “I can tell you about all the hot goss from the squad.”

“Yeah, that… that sounds good.” Jake said, pulling off his flannel and flopping into bed, Amy sliding in beside him. Is Charles…?”

“Yeah, he’s doing good.” She answered his unasked question, “He’s back at work. Keeps pestering me to let you two have a sleepover.”

“Ah.” Jake felt like he should be excited by the prospect. But he still just felt tired. “I thought he’d still be mad at me.”

“Jake…” She frowned, “He wasn’t mad at you. He was scared. I mean, he was the one who- who found-” Amy tucked her face against his chest, not finishing the sentence. “He’s just glad you’re okay. Same as the rest of us.”

Jake didn’t reply.

Amy filled the dead - the empty, not dead, there was nothing dead here - space with chatter about the squad, from Hitchcock and Scully getting all four of their respective arms stuck in the same vending machine, to Holt mistakenly filing a paper under 3BGH1-C instead of 3BCH1-C, which caused him a _slight_ existential crisis, to Rosa making a perp cry from just glaring at him.

Although, actually, that last part was pretty standard. When Jake pointed that out, though, Amy grimaced.

“Yeah, well, not a lot’s been happening lately. You’re the one who causes most of the shenanigans around the bullpen.”

“Oh, yeah.” Jake looked down at his arms again. “Look, I’m ready to go back to work-”

“You haven’t been cleared yet.” Her response was automatic.

“Look, I don’t have to go on any cool cases or anything - I’ll just do paperwork! But I can’t be stuck in here any more, it’s driving me nuts.”

“I… Have you talked to the psychiatrist?”

“Yeah. They keep dismissing me because I’m just another suicidal fuck-up.”

“Hey, no, that’s not-”

“Amy, please. Just… I don’t want to do this right now.” he was too tired to get into this conversation. “Please. Just… I think I want to sleep now. I’m tired.”

“Okay. Okay, yeah, we can do that.” Amy pulled him closer against her. “And, look, I’ll talk to the Captain about getting you off leave for desk duty tomorrow.”

“Thanks, Ames.”

“Of course.” He felt her shrug against him.

They lay in silence for a bit.

Just as Jake felt himself begin to drift off, he realized. He hadn’t said it yet today. He used to, all the time - every hour of every day - but he had just… he’d almost forgotten what it was to be around someone.

“I love you.” He said softly. Thing was, it was true. Even with all the numbness, he still felt love for her. It was one of the only things he felt right now, but it was there. The rest would come back eventually, but for the moment, he didn’t mind only feeling this one emotion. Even if it was muted, even if just feeling that emotion brought him to the brink of exhaustion.

Amy was silent for a moment, her arms tightening around him, before choking out a wet, “I love you too.”

Jake closed his eyes, wishing he could make it so that she wouldn’t have to cry about him again. That she had never had to cry about him to begin with.

But he couldn’t. He couldn’t take away her pain. Any more than he had been able to take away his own, either.

Jake shifted his arms, staring at the white bandages. If he picked at the stitches, right now - he could probably make them start bleeding again.

But the urge was gone. It had passed a while ago.

Now he was just tired.

He wanted… he wanted to go back to normal, again. He could tell he was improving, a bit. It was just a matter of time until he was back to work. Back to his life.

He missed his life.

He did. Really, he did. He just... couldn't seem to muster the energy to actually... _do_ his life. Not yet. He'd be fine, though. This bout would pass - and he actually felt hopeful, even if it was just a tiny bit - and he would be okay. He's _going_ to be okay.

He is.

**Author's Note:**

> Total request: so actually I can't find the request, but it was in one of my inboxes and said something about wanting suicidal jake + smtg about amy. I assume that meant in a hopeful/recovery kind of way, since i don't write unhappy endings to things? idk though, like i said i can't find the request and if it was something unhappy i wouldn't have done it in the first place so... i guess this is the request being done.
> 
> (and yes i am attempting to do a request fic dump for November. ones sent to my tumblr inbox take _extreme_ precedence over ao3 comment ones. _unless_ it's asking for a follow-up of a oneshot in that particular oneshot's fic, then i'm totally ok with that because it's relevant to the fic being commented on. this may seem minor but it clutters up my ao3 inbox and can get really time-consuming sifting through everything. this is how these sorts of requests can get lost, and it's really frustrating bc i _know_ this request was floating around and i can't find the requester bc they could very well be a few hundred comments deep in my ao3 inbox.)
> 
> pls consider leaving a comment if you enjoyed the fic/series! <3


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